


Fan.Tastic

by FIPindustries



Category: Original Work
Genre: Humor, Internet, Memes, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5216858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FIPindustries/pseuds/FIPindustries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the life and trials of a young blogger, set in a semi fictional internet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deviant pt.1

**Author's Note:**

> all chapters can and will be subjected to later edits as the story progresses and takes shape, if you want an inconsistency free experience wait until the work is completely finished
> 
> this work is what could be considered magical realism. the events happen in a semi fantastical place called the internet, which may or may not be an actual physical place, with actual people living inside of of it, mostly shown through abstractions. think back to whatever comic you may have read that depicts the internet and its people in such a fashion. that is the setting this story is based in.
> 
> mostly self indulgent.

 

 

_"how ba-a-a-ad can i be?_

_im just doing what comes naturally_

_how ba-a-a-ad can i be?_

_im just following my destiny_

_how ba-a-a-ad can i be?_

_im just doing what comes naturally_

_how ba-a-a-ad can i be?_

_how bad can i possibly be?"_

_the once-ler - The Lorax_

 

 **YOU ARE FANTASTIC.** Yes.

 **YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.** Fuck yeah.

 **YOU ARE IMPORTANT, AND RELEVANT, AND VALID.** Ok, now for the coup of grace.

 **YOU ARE SPECIAL.** There we go, now to signal boost this shit.

 

TheDutchesOfEarl marveled as the notes came pouring in. there she was, standing in her personal stadium, at the top of the world, the multitude going wild, repeating what she just said at the top of their lungs, adding comments and gifs and "omg this^^^^^^^^". Her notifications started clogging her view but that was ok, she was used to it by now. sure, the first hundred times it happened it might have been a little annoying but now she considered it   a worthy price for having over 10.000 people following her. She was her own movement, she could form a religion if she so desired. she was Tumblr famous. she was happy. _  
_

**"please reblog this, this is so important, it could save a life"** ah, there it was Sils_maria_is_my_mascot, adding her own grain of sand, what a darling. Whilst they did talk face to face every now and then, the bulk of their interactions as internet besties occurred through indirect means,as a sort of reverse passive aggressive rapport in which the vague allusions where composed of flatter rather that hostility. And drawings too. They traded drawings like lovers trading saliva during a passionate kiss. They had nothing to envy from ancient Egyptians in terms of communication trough images.

 **"literally couldn't stop my self from rebloging this"** said WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommitt, the living proof that a human and a cinnamon roll can bear offspring.  This particular lovely tended to be more sparse in terms of human interaction, but every time WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommitt decided to chime in you could be sure you were going to witness something adorable. TheDutchess sent her perfunctory hearts to both her friends (making sure to send to WWallace first because WWallace payed lot of attention to those details) and then retired to her little private space where she could see what other beauties where posting and get ready for the night shift.

The night shift was not composed of anything that could be understood as "sleep", who even needed that anyway? clearly not this generation. What was coming instead of dreaming was nightposting, and she was brimming with ideas for that particular night. there was a subtle art to nightposting, sure you could simply use your sleep deprived mind to try and come up with something clever or at the very least amusing. But those who knew what they were doing honed the practice into a science. 

there had to be a flow to it, a carrollian logic  (she invented that word and was so proud of it), you couldn't just say **"but what if pants were made of butter??"** it couldn't just be a string of non sequitur. Not if you wanted people to pay attention to it. usually there had to be a premise, an initial statement that proposed some outrageous hypothetical situation, then you had to run with it as far as you could, maybe add some way in which the situation could be applied to romance, the notion of people knowing through mystical means about the person they were going to fall in love with was always a sure bet. afterwards, if she was lucky, someone would build up on top of it and the idea of writing a novel would be thrown around. and that would be the point when she would chime in again and draw a scene of the whole thing and badabum badabam, another successful post would be born. maybe it would even appear on one of platedjean's "tumblr gets deep" compilations, that would be cool.

whilst she was in the midst of musing about the notion of  **"what if you donated blood and automatically fell in love with whoever got it"** something caught her eye in the distance. it seemed like WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit was showing a video she found to her followers. the thumbnail was colorful and something in it was ringing bells inside of her. TheDutchessOfEarl approached and watched.

the video started with the song "enola gay" over the shot of a city and a woman narrating "i thought i could leave it all behind"

a blurry shot of someone running through a jungle "i thought i could get far far away, you know?"

another shot of someone running through a jungle, the song started to get lower and more ominous, with some piano keys adding tension "i thought i could be strong enough"

at this point the cheer in the tune  was completly gone, replaced with a succession of explosions as emphasis points for what now was an orchestral march, the image showed the person who was running through the jungle reaching a building in ruins, buried in the roots of a giant tree, with a logo that made TheDutchess jump, electrified with ten gigawatts of recognition. "i was wrong"

a final shot of the face of a scientist, old, with an expression of disdain in his face, saying "finally you admit it"

 **MAXSPLOSIVE 2 COMING SOON OCTOBER 21** the cherful music returned for a couple of seconds until it faded into a black screen. the video was over.

and the people all around TheDutchess started to cacophonize in synchrony.

**"MAXPLOSIVE IS BACK"**

**"MAXPLOSIVE 2 THE MAXPLOSIONING"**

**"MAXPLOSIVE 2 MAXSPLOSIVE BOOGALOO"**

**"WERE RISE"**

**"THE FANDOM THAT CANT BE BURNED"**

**"BACK FROM THE ASHES"**

**"MAX IS ALL GROWN UP I CANT BELIEVE THEY GOT THE ORIGINAL ACTRESS"**

**"HOLY SHIT I REMEMBER WHEN I WATCHED MAXPLOSIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME"**

**"OK PEOPLE HOW ARE WE GONNA CALL OURSELVES? THE MAXPLOSIVE FANDOM NEEDS AN OFFICIAL NAME"**

**"I PROPOSE MAXPLOSIANS"**

**"FANPLOSIVES"**

all the while TheDutchessOfEarl stood silent, a drop of quietness in a hurricane of noise. she knew she had to reblog this as soon as possible but she just couldn't come up with something to say, and a news as momentous as this one needed an equally momentous comment. she was stupefied, so she decided that she was going to come back to her blog, gather her wits and collect energy to properly freak out about this with the rest of her crowd. later.

as she walked she tried to examine how she felt about that trailer. it was strange, usually her emotions were not the kind that took their time to boil up, by nature she was energetic, enthusiastic, the loudest voice of the mob. that was how she got to where she was on that site. but now something was not clicking within her. she couldn't sake the feeling that there was something wrong about the whole affair, like an unfulfilled promise.

***

she sat in her oversized bed, tightly hugged by her snugly pajamas, slowly smelling her tea. thinking.

at that moment a letter slid from under her door. yet another ask from ***StArDuSt***. a gentle kid, but insistent and a little overbearing, one of the more noticeable of her followers. inside, to no surprise, it read.  **"HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEWS ABOUT MAXPLOSIVE??? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"**

welp, she had no choice, she had to answer in kind, lest anyone would get the impression she didn't care about it. the best way to do it would be of course with a drawing. something quick and simple but expressive. luckily a messy style would help convey haste and enthusiasm so she didn't have to try very hard. TheDutchess sat in front of her drawing board, still with her PJs and her T and looked at the white canvas.she looked hard, she looked long. she continued looking. but whatever answers she was looking for she didn't find them there. nothing was coming. not even the faintest idea for a sketch. her minds was a hollow as the canvas in front of her. 

what was wrong with her? why couldn't she feel like everyone else was feeling? why couldn't she jump into the bandwagon? was something wrong with her? had she expended all her potential for excitement? was she feeling depressed? or bipolar? or...what other mental diseases she heard of?

"o hai gurl" said a squeaky voice behind her. TheDutchess slowly turned around with a creeping feeling of dismay on her back, realizing finally what was going on.

there was a tween girl who was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. she was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. she was standing in the middle of her blog. it was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which she was very happy about. TheDutchess stared at her. she put up a spork.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Deviant pt.2

***

cringe. there are so many jokes dedicated to cringe. so many comics and sketches telling us about the oh so hilarious things we do when we remember something embarrassing.  why? because our brains are assholes, whats more, they are stupid. they were not intelligently designed but molded by eons of happenstance and so they are filled with as many glitches as it could afford to have for its recipient to stay alive until it was able to spread it's seed. one of those glitches is to remember in detail our worst moments so it can be sure we don't repeat them. every moment of cringe is  our own personal holocaust memorial day. 

and TheDutchessOfEarl was looking at her own personal Hitler.

"BOOM!!! sorry, some times i explode of excitement ^^''' it happens at random, did you missed me testie?" ah, yes, "testie", as in test subject, aha, there it was,the feeling of her own blood turning to pop rock, shame, shame and ten times shame. "what are you doing? are you drawing? oooooh are you drawing what happened in the last chapter of seething tears? it was sooooooo hot, but like it wasn't just porn, you know? there was a lot of romance, a lot of nuance, maybe we should make Earl create an invention that turns him into a..."

"shut up"

"wha.....?"

"SHUT UP! how the hell are you here?"

"i cant answer, you told me to shut up" said the young girl with a smirk on her face that seemed designed by someone with a hateboner for Disney. this was unacceptable.

"ok, no, you are dead, you were buried, you are not supposed to exist anymore, i left that place forever, i erased all the old drawings, i'm no longer you"

"look at you so grumpy, you are just like Earl, OH! so that means i'm your Max! that is soooo cute!"

"no! you don't get to ship Maxearl, you don't get to ship me with you either, you don't get to ship anyone!"

"you say that because is girl on girl?, get over it, everyone is bisexual and if you don't think you are that's because you are a homophobe, geez"

"DON'T SAY THAT" this was more a scream of panic rather than anger. she ran to one of the windows and peeked outside. nobody seemed to have listened to that. false alarm. "don't go around saying that kind of stuff here, you could get us in so much trouble, jesus, the amount of apologies i would have to make, i would be forced to make a new blog and...what, what are you doing?"

as soon as she turned she saw the teen pasting stamps all over the walls, which read such gems as  **"yes i'm a testie, no, i wont stop exploding in your face just because you ask me DEAL WITH IT"** and **"i ship maxXearl and proud, love is love"**

and just before TheDutchess had the chance to object in any way the door of her safe space was knocked twice.

"Dutchess are you there? i have to talk to you!" said the muffled voice of Sils_Maria_is_my_Mascot, triying to start a chat with her friend who at the moment was caught between a rock and a die hard fan.

"just a second!" said TheDutchessOfEarl as she started to shove the teen towards the next room whilst grunting as low as she could "you stay quiet while i talk with my friend, do something to entertain yourself but do not show up or i'll...i'll...i'll tell mom ok?"

"ugh, whatever"

as the young girl went away, an older girl, though not by much, entered the room. she was slightly chubbier than TheDutchess and was wearing thick rimmed glasses.

"so, have you heard the news?" asked the new comer gleaming with enthusiasm.

now TheDutchess was facing a choice, either she had to admit she did and try to feign all the supposed hype she'd been bottling up til now, or she could pretend she just heard it now and act too shocked to properly express herself.

"no, what? tell me"

"oh my god, ok, check this out" said the friend pulling out a small YouTube screen from her backpack and reaching it to the blogger.

well, maybe watching the trailer a second time would help her bring out a more authentic response., she thought, but as soon as the first notes of Enola Gay started to sound a razor blade scream came from the other room.

"oh sorry, i left a video playing, wait a second"

TheDutchess hurried out of the room to find the young girl stamped against the door, listenting intently.

"i said dont make any noise!"

"sorry sorry sorry, i had to explote of excitement when i heard the trailer again!!!! who's that there? is she your gf? your bff? oh! your gff! your gbff?"

"she's my friend, yes, and i cant let her see you, see me, like this, so for just a second stay fucking quiet"

"are you really that embarrassed of me?" said the young one, with a puckering lip.

"is that really a llama back there?" all of a sudden she noticed the animal in the back of the room, looking into forever, making her loose her train of thought.

"its an albino llama"

"how the hell did you get an albino llama"

"someone gave it to me"

"well then, stay quiet or the llama gets it!"

"you wouldn't dare" she was right.

"you have no idea how much i changed"

"ugh, fine, but ill need something to read, do you have the latest update of hannah is not a boys name?"

"it doesn't exist any more"

"WHAT!? what the hell happened, you know what, never mind, just give me the meek"

"it hasn't updated in years"

"what the fuck???? the future sucks, you know, every time i watched older teenagers or older brothers as assholes in a cartoon i always thought it was an exaggeration but man is it ever true with you, like, you are not happy but you're not even edgy or goth, you are just boring"

"i'm not boring, is just that i don't live anymore by dumbass labels or stereotypes, i'm authentic, ok? i'm the real me, not some cringey stereotype just out of hot topic"

"don't talk about hot topic like that, you'll make the llama cry!"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING LLAMA"

" _ghraaaaaaaa"_ said the llama.

TheDutchess put her hands over her mouth, did Sils_Maria hear that?. she slowly went into the other room which was empty, her friend must have gotten bored waiting. she would have to apologize profusely for that one, it was incredibly rude to just leave someone hanging on a chat. she took a couple of aimless steps and collapsed on her bed, tired as all hell. she crawled into the sheets and decided to get some sleep, after which maybe all of this  would have fixed itself.

she dreamed.

***

 

"the next mornin TheDUtchessOfEarl woke up with a very strange feeling. she woke up and there was a strange tickling sensation on her chest. she looked down and saw a hand squeezing tightly her boob. the hand belonged to the younger version of TheDutchess who was also on the bed and she was sleeping and she was snooring and she was also drooling a little and TheDutchess giggled and said..."

"what are you doing now"

"oh, sorry, i'm narrating the latest fic i wrote, its about us" all things considered it was not the worst way of waking up. she was sure people in, say, Africa had to have worse mornings than her. but then again, this wasn't Africa.

"didn't i say you don't get to ship us?"

"what else was i supposed to do? i got tired of continuing seething tears and you look so cute when you sleep and..."

"hold on, you "continued" seething tears? i erased that from fanfiction.net years ago"

"i knooooooow, how could you?, i went out looking for it all over the internet, i found the old maxplosive fans forum and they sent me to TV Tropes and there they had a backed copy of it"

"goddamit"she couldn't even right now, it was too early to outrage "you went outside, who did you talked to?"

"nobody, the forums where empty, i went through the archives and there i found a link to the TV Tropes page" she was looking at the ground while saying this, for a moment her hecticness diminished, replaced by gloom "i didn't get to talk with anyone of our old testies...i don't know what happened to them"

the girl looked at her younger self, for once feeling bad for her.

"it happens, fandoms come and go, they moved on"

"but now" said the girl lightening up again "well be back! there is going to be a new movie in a few weeks and there'll be content again, and talks, and discussion and theories and i will be able to show the new chapters of seething tears! oh! oh! oh! i know! why don't you proofread the new chapters?" the teen pulled three phone books worth of paper literally out of her ass and shoved them to TheDutchess, who was speechless.

she wrote all that? in just one night? she couldn't remember the last time she put that much work into a project. along with many other things she forgot how much she liked to write. what had happened with her productivity? what had happened with her passion? looking back it felt like all her art (mainly drawings) where hasty and out of obligation. she loved to draw and write, there was no doubt about it. but it no longer happened spontaneously. her incident with the white canvass the other night hadn't been an isolated event. every time she decided to draw just for the sake of drawing it would take her hours to come up with something that she would feel interested about. even her commissions where starting to feel more halfassed. and there it was that 13 year old outpacing Stephen King in output.

"fine, ill take a look"

"omg omg omg ogm gom mog ty <3 <3 <3 <3"

maybe she had been too harsh in judging that girl. maybe she had something to learn from her.

 

_chapter 21: lamentations_

_"ok sorry so much for taking so long for this chapter i been busy with life lol but here you have some lemonade, because when life gives you lemons YOU CRUSH THEM WITH YOUR AWESOMENESS HECK YHEA"_

_"it was three weeks since the last time they looked at each other like that. passion was in the air. max's heart was pounding harder than ever, almost as hard as she had been pounded by earl the other turbulent night..."_

wow, ok, no, she was right. that girl was fucking sick and she had to get rid of her as soon as possible.

***

 **PSA: i want you to know that if i stop answering when we are chatting is not that i dont like you,is that i get overwhelmed by life some times and have to take a break i'm** **sorry and thank you for being so patient.**

_**4.567 notes**_

 

 

 

 


	3. Deviant pt.3

 

***

"stay away from me!" said TheDutchessOfEarl, blasting through the front door of her blog and striding across her dashboard. All around her were artists and writers, unabashedly displaying their works and thoughts. everyone in their little podium, either creating or copying, all as loud as the rest.

"but u don't get it!!!!!! is not pedo if she is the one who seduces him!!!!!" said the younger version of the girl, following on her steps, riding the albino llama.

"there is this thing called statutory rape kid, fucking pick up a book for once on your life" said TheDutchess, not stopping, she had a very clear destination, and if she had to drag the anchor of her past shames to get there then so be it, this wouldn't last for long.

"fuck u, between chats, fan fics, blogs and YA fiction this is the generation that has read more than any other in history, don't come to me with all your pretentious high school knowledge, just because you are older doesn't make u smarter than me"

"holy shit, was i really that stupid?  kid/adult ships are  **NEVER** ok, is sick and disgusting, and it perpetrates a disgusting culture of rape, so fucking stop it now, and stop following me!" **  
**

"no, i wanna know where you're going! besides i already said i'm not a fucking pedo, ew, i made it clear that Max gets an older body in chapter 13, when she accidentally grabs one of Earl's chemicals"

"yes but in that chapter you also made clear that her mind doesn't change, the mind of a kid inside a grown woman's body, that is like ten times grosser"

"omg i just said that she was still in touch with her inner child, everyone has an inner child, in the 17th chapter we get to meet earl's inner child as well!"

"still, my point is that all you wanted to write was a story that ships Max and Earl and then you came with a bunch of convoluted plot to justify it, that is  **NOT** ok, why cant you get the fucking message?" **  
**

"y u no stop bolding random words?, it sounds weird when u talk liek that"

this kind of conversations had been going on for almost a week, with one or two words changed and a couple of insults more inspired than others but the general feel of the discourse kept as circular as ever. At first TheDutchess tried to ignore the spastic teen, yet soon this proved to be not only fruitless but counter productive. More than once she had to delete a new chapter of seething tears that the girl posted on her blog while she was not looking. Multiple asks had been sent unbeknownst to her, and every time an answer came she had to come up with some excuse like her account was hacked or that she was just sending ironic asks as pranks.

And the girl wouldn't stop drawing, her entire space was inundated with shitty anime pics of MaxXEarl which was infuriating both for the content and because (even though she would never admit it out loud) it made her jealous to see how much more productive than her the little twirp was. Worst part was that the girl had no compunction in admitting TheDutchess was the better artist, uncomfortably so. Most of her praise consisted on putting herself down, saying things in the vein of "i could never draw like you do", "i'm a terrible artist LMAO", "i suck you're great at this". what irked her about these compliments was the subtle implication that her talent was something innate that she was born with, that no matter how much one practiced you could never get better than what you were, which was in direct opposition of every thing she believed in as an artist, everything which took her so long to learn.

"This is harassment, you know? you, following me around without my consent, so if you really must know i'm going down to the staff to report you and block you, so i don't have to deal with you anymore" said TheDutchessOfEarl from beyond her shoulder.

"aw come on, don't be a bitch, at least give me three more weeks until the sequel premiers, i HAVE to watch the sequel, i don't know what i would do if i don't, i would probably kill myself"

"don't joke about that either! teen suicide is a serious matter"

"fine MOM"

As their conversation started to wane down they reached a blue building with a giant "t" plastered across its front. the staff center.

when TheDutchess came inside she saw a babel of color, rainbows were a paltry thing compared to what was in front of her, the technicolor haircuts of all the other bloggers, forming multiple lines to register their own complaints about the site. You could hear  whines, cries and muffled rap music playing in the distance.

"what's going on?" asked TheDutchessOfEarl, to which the closest blogger, a guy with a side cut and a beard full of flowers, answered.

"the staff changed another function of Tumblr, now the amount of notes show up in the right side of the post and the reblog button on the left side of the post"

"why, this is outrageous!"

"i know, do you have any idea how stressing this kind of changes are? with so many users with Asperger and others in the autism spectrum or OCD this kind of things are precisely what triggers panic attacks, so we're all here to complain about it, to let them hear our voice and make this a safe space for all people"

"i'm totally up for that, that is exactly what i came here to do, i don't even know what to say about..."

"lady, does this llama belong to you?" interrupted a voice behind her.

The teenager turned around to see her younger self with a dopey smile, her eyes closed and an arm extended, scratching the back of her neck as a giant drop of sweat slid through her temple. her interlocutor was another blogger, a white girl with dreads who was chastising the child.

"if it belongs to you ill let you know that these animals are not supposed to be treated as pets and bringing exotic species to foreign countries is extremely harmful for the ecosystem"

"noooooooooo, she is an albino llama! she is special, she can actually live anywhere she wants, and her name is chimichanga"

"uuuuuuuuuuuum sweetie? i think i know what i'm talking about, i worked as an assistant at a pet store and..."

"hey! hello" intervened TheDutchess "sorry, sorry, she's my...little sister and she's, you know, special, sometimes she'll say things without realizing what she's saying, sorry, this was her, uh, special companion, it soothes her, you know? so, please, would you give us some space?" deep breath of air.

"oh, ok, my apologies then, HEY!" yelled the dreaded girl at the overtaxed servers who were attending at the front of the line "we have someone with special needs here! could you please let her get attention first?"

"me too!"

"here too!"

"please i need quicker assistance, i cant deal with crowds!" 

a thousand voices joined the cries for attention, some in halting, stuttering moans, some not even faked. the servers sighed and continued on doing their job as best as their will could muster considering their salaries.

Eventually after a few hours TheDutchess got her turn. She walked up to the desk. Behind it was a robot, the server, battered and in disrepair. It looked like a mannequin dressed in what a 40 old would assume a teenager wears.

"what is your problem?" said in a prerecorded voice of someone trying to sound friendly, though the effect was a little lost by the heavy mechanical distortion.

"i want to report someone for harassment!" said the girl, in a tone that she expected would carry sufficient outrage.

"what is the name of the harasser?" 

"her name is...her name-what is your name?" said she, turning to the girl riding the llama.

"TheDutchessOfEarl, duh"

"no, that is my name, what is yours?"

"im you, genius, this is the name you always had!"

"what?!"

" 'what' is not a registered name"

well now she was properly fucked, she couldn't block the girl without blocking herself. she almost felt like crying.

whatever,that was enough for today it was obvious this problem was not going to be fixed right now, might as well give up and give herself a treat for going through so much stress. They left the building and started to walk back to her blog, maybe she would look for some self care masterposts to relax for the night. As she advanced through the unending gallery of people's twisted minds an idea came to her own twisted mind.

"its the name" she said.

"bwhu...?" the other girl responded.

"its the name! like Shakespeare said,  the name is the thing and if you control the name you have power over the thing, my name is my last remaining link i have with you, that's why you must still be here, if i change the name then ill be free!"

"i don't think that's what Shakespeare said"

"and what do you know about Shakespeare? whatever, fuck, i don't even know why i kept that reference to Maxsplosive in my name all these years"

"oh, its not a reference to Maxsplosive, i mean, its a really cool coincidence and another sign that the ship is an inextricable part of our fate, but actually i choose the name because of my favorite song"

"what?"

"yeah, duke of earl, by Gene Chandler, you really don't remember our favorite song?"

TheDutchess had to take pause after hearing that, it was not only that she just found out something she had forgotten about herself, it was not only that she was surprised she knew about that song at that age, what really caught her with her guard down was that for the first time she referred to "we" when talking about them. She had mentioned that they were the same person before, but it had always felt like an imposition, by saying "we" she was implying a closeness whilst respecting her distance.

"well, nevermind, i'm still going to change it"

"but, but, but, you're not curious about where i came from? why am i here?"

"not really, do you know why you're here?"

"no, i don't know either, and i mean, is not like this situation is ideal for me, i'm not enjoying this, you know? at first i thought it would be cool to get to know and older version of me, someone popular, someone who's better than i'll ever be at drawing...but all i got was you hating me for everything i am :(" that was a low punch.

"look, you dont have to say that about you or your drawings, if you wanted you could improve, you could try and learn, grow up"

"i cant! that is not in my nature,that is not what i represent, i'm younger you, by definition ill never grow up!" a shadow fell, covering the upper side of her face, while two streams of tears ran down her cheeks, at both sides of her gritted (and for some reason pointy) teeth.

TheDutchessOfEarl was not sure if she should approach and comfort the little teenager.

"how do you know all that?"

"because you created me"

they looked at each other for a few seconds until the younger TheDutchess looked at something behind the older TheDutchess. The corners of her mouth sunk even further and she took a few steps back, scared. When TheDutchess turned around to see what was going on she only encountered Lord_Matt, displaying the last strip from his webcomic Bolaroid. It was a four panel joke about the characters from star fox in super smash brothers wanting to recruit Bowser, confusing him for one of them. Bowser accepted and the last panel showed him using one of star fox's ships to blow up the mushroom kingdom from orbit.

turning back again she found out that her younger self was gone.

 


	4. Deviant pt.4

knock knock, TheDutchess wanted to talk.

Knock Knock, TheDutchess needed to talk.

Knock Knock, WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit answered the door.

She was a cupcake, she was a literal cupcake with a smiley face and sprinkles on top. The paper cup turned into a polka dot dress as it fell on her stubby legs. Behind her, beyond the frame of the door through which she was shyly poking, pastel colors covered every surface available.

"oh hello" said the talking pastry with a bird flutter of a voice.

"hi WWilliam, can i come in, please?"

"oh, ummmmm..." WWilliam_WWallace doubted, assessing how much mental energy she had to interact with someone else at this point "yes, come in" 

"thank you, you look lovely today" the dough in the girl's cheeks turned a deeper shade of red.

"no, that's not true, i look terrible"

"you know that's a lie" said TheDutchess with a patient smile as she walked into her friend's blog. The place was a Wes Anderson set, an oversized doll house, down to the same skewed, doll like proportions. She had to crouch a little to fit in.

"yhea well, thank you, do you want something? i don't have anything ready, sorry, but i can prepare it quickly, if you don't mind waiting"

"i would love some tea"

"ok, please don't mind the mess, i hadn't have time to tidy up" said the cupcake as she navigated the so called "mess" which consisted mostly of a couple of books and clothes laying on top of the tiny furniture that, small as it may be, was in enough amounts to overcrowd the room.

"i don't mind, my place looks worse" for once, TheDutchess was not exaggerating for the sake of politeness, though it had been days since her younger self was gone, her drawings and fanfics remained. While her friend prepared the teapot and mugs she continued " i wanted to talk to you about something important, i mean, something i feel is important, don't worry" she said as her friend turned to her with look of panic on her face "is not about you, we're still friends, is about me"

"wh-what is it?"

"eh...do you remember when Maxsplosive one came out, all those years ago?"

"uhmm, yes, i think" she had turned back and the bells of the teaspoons singed against the mugs as the tea continued being prepared "i didn't watch the movie when it first came out though, i missed all that"

"oh, but do you remember the fandom?"

"not really, i wasn't on the internet all that much in those times, sorry, um please take a sit"

"oh, and were you on deviant art at least?" said as she sat down on a puff couch.

"uh yes but i rather not talk about it" to this TheDutchessOfEarl perked up.

"why not?"

"because i had a bad time there, people were really mean"

"oh i'm so sorry, can i ask what they did or it's too ugly to remember?"

WWilliam_WWallace shruged, uncomfortable.

"i mean, it wasn't like traumatic or anything it was just people being really rude, they didn't like my drawings, i had a lot of haters for some reason, they were saying all the time that my drawings sucked, that i didn't know how to draw, and worse things, i left the place and haven't drawn since then"

TheDutchess took a sip of tea, not knowing what to say.

"do you have any of those old drawings, i would love to see them"

"no, i left them there, i don't want to see them ever again, they were right, the drawings were horrible" a tear fell across the cupcake's face with a swiftness and an ease that made it look like that was a common occurrence."why are you asking me about all this?"

Why indeed.

It had been three days since her younger self vanished, three days since she got what she wanted, why couldn't she just leave it alone?. Was it that she was left with a mystery unsolved? she never got to find out why the girl existed in the first place or why she stopped existing for that matter. But that wasn't it, there was also the fact that since the girl went away she couldn't draw, she couldn't write, she couldn't create anything at all. She had limited herself to reblogging without any original posts of her own, and leaving besides the fact that she didn't want to be that kind of blog, after all, those blogs didn't tend to be as popular as she wanted, she couldn't keep considering herself an artist if she didn't do art. And so her current situation was unacceptable, her personality, her entire sense of self was based around the fact that she had something that nobody else had, her talent. Sure others could be better than her but nobody was good in the same way she was, nobody could draw as TheDutchess better than TheDutchess. And without that she was nothing.

And if the girl had anything to do with all that then she had to find her again.

"i want to see your old deviant art place"

"no no no no no"said the cupcake shaking her entire body left to right "its really bad, you're going to hate it"

"that's not true, you don't know how i'm going to react"

"it's horrible, i know it, please don't insist"

"i'm curious, it would help me to know you better"

"i don't want you to know that part of me" said the girl, covering her face with her short, stubby arms "i don't want you to see what they said about me"

Was it worth it to  insist? was there no other way to try and reconnect with her younger self? her own deviant place had been deleted and she wasn't sure about asking for someone else's place. she had gone to WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit because she knew she wouldn't suspect that anything weird was going on.

"ok, i wont insist, i just really wanted to see it but its fine"

"i'm so sorry"

"no, no, i don't mind, anyway, i have to get going"

"s-so soon? o...ok, you're really not angry about this?"

"nope, bye"

She turned and walked through the door. She gave ten steps without looking back.

"W-WAIT!" the candy girl was hurrying behind her "uhhhh, ok, ill tell you" TheDutchess had to repress a smile and turned back.

"you really don't have to"

"but i want to, uh, my name there used to be...uh...Dollchimea"

"well thank you so much, ill try to leave a nice comment there to counter whatever nasty opinions i  happen to find"

"s-sure, i don't care, just, please don't comment to me about what you find there, i don't want to think about that place again"

"of course"

She hugged her friend who just took the gesture without moving.

***

 

 Echoes through dark, dusty corridors. Empty frames, their canvases long rotten away. An abandoned journal feeding a family of moths, and an oxidized plaque that read:

**"Dollchimea  digital art/Hobbyist         Deviant for 9 years  needs premium membership"**

The place was in ruins. There was a pair of doors, both out of their frames, leading to a gallery filled of empty spaces with signs that said "moved to vault". TheDutchess entered that room, looking for whatever illustrations that remained. What she found looked faded, the colors washed out, but the general idea of the pictures was still discernible. For example there was that illustration, made in MS paint, of what TheDutchess assumed was Light Yagami holding hands with a blushing Ryuk, or that other with L, brooding next to a girl with heterochromia iridum,probably WWilliam_WWallace's former avatar, or that picture with Misa doing...oh god no, nevermind.

she had promised herself that, out of respect for her friend, she was not going to judge her previous works, but on the inside she couldn't help to be glad she no longer drew like that.

"kya! look its Misa and Jealous!" there it was what she had been looking for.

"i found you!" said TheDutchess facing her younger self.

this time she was wearing  black lace up boots with high heels. underneath them were ripped red fish nets. then...

"no! cut it out with the narration, i want answers"

"wut?"

"where do you come from?"

"i already said, dummy, u made me!"

"how?"

"da fuk do i know"

"why did you go away the other day? why did you reappear right now?"

"i dunno, wat were u doin both those times????"

"nothing in particular, i was arguing with you that other day and right now i was just looking at WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit's old pictures"

"and what was ******i******* doing that other time, uuuuuhhhhhhhh???????" said the girl with far too much petulance.

"you were looking at Lord_Matt's comic"

"well then????"

"i dont know, you tell me" said TheDutchess with exasperation.

"i don know either, das why im asking" replied the teen in the exact same voice.

"well, here's another question" said the older girl walking up to the younger one, towering over her "why can you create so much content and i cant? why am i so blocked since you showed up? what did you stole from me!?"

"OMG i didnt stole nothing! back the fuck off??? how can you steal from yourself? we are the same person, if i took somethin from u is becaus is mine!"

"WE'RE NOT THE SAME PERSON, I AM OLDER, MORE GROWN UP, MORE MATURE" her screams were bouncing off the walls, getting lost in the spiderwebs.

"then may be u lost it on the way" when hearing this TheDutchessOfEarl took a few steps back, surprised by the answer that she failed to consider "u hav a bad attitude bitch"

She thought for a while.

"when you saw Bolaroid you didn't like it, you were upset, why?"

The girl pouted.

"he said mean things about me :("

"about you?"

"about what i am, he trolled about the way i acted, he was a meanie and stupid"

"wait, i think i remember...didn't i use to follow him here? yes, i read his comics, i used to love them"

"yeah, i used to luv dem :(((("

"but then something happened right? i stopped reading him for a while, at least until i rediscovered him on Tumblr, what was it?"

"hey! why dont we go bac 2 tumblr and read my latest chapter of seething tears?, hey i think i'm gonna post it if you dont stop me!"

"his deviant page must be close" said TheDutchessOfEarl walking outside the place into the larger corridors of deviant art.

"wait! no, dont do dat! XC"

 as she got out of Dollchimea's personal place she could see that the website in general had seen better times. While it was always supposed to be a place to display art, now it looked like a museum more than ever. It was quieter than it used to be, less populated and there was too much empty space. You could see random people walking around and hear distant conversations. It looked like a party saloon where a ten year old bacchanal had finished just a week ago.

The duo finally reached a corner where they could enter Lord_Matt's personal page. It was in far better state than Dollchimea's place, but, just as the rest of the place, a general feel of abandonment lingered over it.

"plis lets not go there, i dont want to be there XCCCCCC" the young girl looked downright scared .

"sorry, but i have to know whats going on"

Inside it was the room with a journal, slightly covered in dust and next to it was a cardboard cutout of Lord_Matt with a sticky note that said: "hey my dudes and dudettes, i'm on Tumblr now, you can find me at this address" followed by the directions to his new place. The teenager went past it, straight into the gallery where hundreds of old strips where hanging from the walls.

She quickly looked at the comics, skimming through them. None of them ringed any bells until she came across one in particular.

 

 

 

"thad was teh comic that made u create me" said the young TheDutchessOfEarl before disappearing.

***

**13 year old girl voice:** no mom, anime is not just a hobby, its my *life*, baka gaijin ugh

#war flash backs  #shitposting  #irony  #memes  #anime  

**3.400 notes**                                                                                               **reblog**          

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Deviant pt.5

There was a lot of things she liked. She liked Naruto, Invader Zim, Maxplosive, Bolaroid, Hetalia. She liked all that. But there was one thing in particular she didn't like and that was Twilight.

She hated Twilight.

She never read the books, or watched the movie, she barely even knew what it was about. She was totally ignorant about the particulars of why Twilight was "bad". And yet she hated it just as much as everybody else did, because everybody else did. That's who TheDutchessfEarl was back in 2008.

It was easier in those days, easier to be just a spectator. To walk down the green halls of Deviant Art watching other people fulfill the role of demi gods in their funny little community. To praise them and give them comments without feeling the creeping envy eating at her insides. To just admit you were not that good and let others hoard the spotlight. But of course as time went, seeing so many others have it so much better than her, both in talent and recognition, made her convinced that that was the norm. The logical progression. Warhol had promised everyone their 15 minutes of fame, so where were hers?

Around that time a comic called Bolaroid came to town and right then and there that worked as the catalyst within her mind for wonders. Because, when she discovered it, it had already stared five years ago and the very first comic was atrocious, certainly no better than what she could do, but as she made her way through the archive the art slowly evolved. what once started as rough and wonky straightened it self into place. When she got up to date w she saw how popular it had become, how much progress it had made, how far it came. And she understood that she could do the same thing. Inspiration came pouring in and leaking through her fingers in the form of images, in the form of words. The bridge between her and greatness had been finally shown. The magic trick revealed. Greatness was no longer on another planet but rather in a distant land, to which her own petty feet could take her if she tried hard enough. Suddenly her art was forged for the first time, her drawings were no longer the blind experiments of an amateur who is just trying to copy a style, she was actually striving to draw "good". To understand the fundamentals. She started to learn. She started to improve. All the while following Bolaroid as her personal gospel.

All of this was put to the service of her latest and biggest passion, Maxplosive. Oh, how relentless her muse was, how insatiable her impulses. Too many was never enough. The ideas kept boiling up inside of her and every single one was worthy. What if Max and Earl had their ages reversed? or their genders? what if Max and Earl were father and daughter and they both lived normal lives in suburbia? what if the movie had a sad ending? or they both decided to become evil? what if they were dogs? what if they were teacher and student at Hogwarts? what would their houses be? (Max would obviously be Griffindor and Earl Slythering and there would be delicious drama when his favorite student and her favorite class were from rival houses, and she would totally be Malfoy's gf, i mean, come on). Of course the followers started to come in as well.

If there is something that the internet loves is pandering and in quantities. She had cracked the code. Her art was good enough and (whats more important) in big enough amounts that people would naturally gravitate towards her. If you added to that her cool overexcited, playfully immature personality that was totally down to earth at the same time, just like us, then there was the key to success. Until 2010.

It was then that Lord_Matt released a strip called "in-fan-mable" wherein someone who looked, acted and talked just like her was being conflated with opinions she despised by an artist that she respected. What was more, people were agreeing with the strip, hell, SHE was agreeing with the strip solely because that's what she was used to. She looked up to Bolaroid, it was what put her on the path of self improvement and, consequentially, of moderate fame. how was she supposed to react to that?

Well, instead of taking it as an insult she took it, once again, as a wake up call. Was the over the top fangirl attitude no longer acceptable? she would adapt, the internet tide was changing and she had to change with it to stay relevant. But that was not the end of it. She had to take distance as a whole from her former persona, to renegade from all what she once stood for.  For starters she decided to go to Tumblr, greener pastures and a new beginning awaited there. Once there she started to burn in effigy what she once was but for this she had to create an effigy to burn. Post after post was rebbloged of jokes at the expense of anything that shared any characteristic with her former self, she even made a couple of comics, similar to that of Lord_Matt. Eventually the 13 year old fangirl became a concept, a character, an archetype...

***

"a strawman, that's what you are" said TheDutchessofEarl on her blog, talking to an old drawing of hers where the exact same girl she had been talking to for the past few days was depicted. A comic drawn by her where she made witty comparisons between the kind of fan she was now and the kind of fan she used to be, to the detriment of the latter. that comic had been drawn two years ago and it already felt like ages. "but why did you come back?" she asked "why can you still create when i cant?"

the drawing didn't answer.

Then _maybe u lost it on the way,_ that was the answer that she had been given before, but what did it mean?

She was musing all this when three quick knocks distracted her.

Without invitation came barging in Link dressed in hipster clothes.

"hi ***StArDuSt**, how are you doing?" said the girl, used to this kinds of intrusions from the kid who was three full years younger than her.

"hi TheDutchessOfEarl, i've been trying to talk to you for a week!" said he,with a smile from ear to ear.

"i know, im sorry, iv'e been busy with life,personal issues"

"oh, is it everything right?"

"yeah, sure, nothing serious, so, what's up little guy?"

"ok, well, i just wanted to know if you had any drawings about Maxplosive 2, I've been dying to see her in your style, i know you were really into it when it first came out!, also, i wanted to show you what i did!" he extended a piece of paper with both hands, all perked up and nervous, a priest presenting a humble offering to its capricious god.

She gave a look to it. the picture was fine, maybe the anatomy could be improved a little, girls that age didn't have boobs that big, but it was nicely colored and clearly done with passion. A small pang of jealousy resonated inside of her.

"OMFGZ!!11!!1 ITS SOO KAWAII!1111oneoneone" said a voice besides her as her blood became ten times heavier and her hairs stood on end.

"wow! and who are you?" asked ***StARDuSt*** intrigued.

Before TheDUtchessOfEarl could say anything her younger version answered.

"im TheDutchessOfEarl howdy <3!"

"well, hello to you too" said the kid shaking her hand "you seem nice"

"awwwwwww ty <3<3<3"

"so are you TheDutchess sister or...?"

"nuuuuu, im her when she wuz a babbu...i mean, derp, how she sees herself when she was a babbu" it was over, this was the end, she was dead and buried, both of her. One drowned in embarrassment and the other soon to be strangled by her own hands.

"that's so cool!" replied the boy, sincere "i didn't know you could do that! do you also draw? oh man, i want to see how TheDutchess used to draw"

"no...there is not need to..." tried to say the aforementioned in vain since in the blink of an eye tween!Dutchess was hurdling entire forests worth of papers containing her works of the past week to her new friend.

"holy cow is incredible how much progress you made"

"yup im really proud of her, even tho she wont like me :p"

"hey i just thought of something! how about you draw one of these again so we can see the contrast better"

To this the young girl was short of literally start shining with excitement, she turned to TheDutchess, falling stars pouring out of her eyes, but said nothing, worried that she might scare or tip her the wrong way and get a refusal.

"i...i dunno" mumbled the teenager who was in the process of transforming into a tomato "i havent feel very...productive lately and..."

"oh booo, com here u" said the girl as she grabbed her hand and dragged her to her drawing board.

She flinched at the contact with what turned out to be not skin but fabric. Under which was not flesh or bone but stuffing, something made of twigs and hay, of straws. Once they reached the drawing board the girl said.

"ok, lets get 2 work!"

"you know i cant" murmured TheDutchess triying to make sure ***StArDuSt*** didnt hear them "you are the one who can create now, not me"

"ohmygosh how many times i have to repeat it??? i AM u" after saying this she displayed her wrist to her. It had a single stitch all around it, not a scar, an actual pad stitch uniting her hand to the rest of her arm. She pulled from the cord unraveling the fabric, leaving a hole in her wrist from which a few straws poked out.

With her other hand she grabbed TheDutchessOfEarl's hand and fit it inside the hole making her own extremity work as a glove. They were joined together. The older teenager, beyond astonished allowed herself to be put into position by the human doll, she sat in front of the canvas and the doll sat behind, embracing her. They looked like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore doing pottery. 

Together they started to draw.

 

 ***

"and so you see, when i put inside of her all the things that i didn't like about myself i accidentally put other things that i conflated with those bad aspects, like my passion, my motivation to do art just for the sake of art"

"i see"

"then all i had left as motivation was my ambition for popularity, my desire to please others, and when i finally became popular that motivation went away and i was left with nothing"

"but then why did she come back?"

"because i called her, i tried to reconnect with that part of myself, the passion that i had left behind, and it came, along with all the other things that i had lumped it together with"

"well i'm glad things worked out for you, but you could have told me sooner, you know? i wouldn't have judged you"

"i know, i know, i'm sorry, is just that i was really embarrassed and didn't know what to do...also, um, i'm sorry for pressuring you into showing me your old Deviant Art, it was really not cool of me, i mean it"

"oh...yes...well uh, thank you, but, um, i mean, maybe it was a good thing? i mean, i still don't like what you did and the next time, please, respect my boundaries but, well, i decided to start drawing again, partially because i was thinking back on those drawings and i want to see if i can do better"

"that's amazing, i cant wait to see them!"

"y-yes, well, i'm not sure if ill be showing them just yet, maybe eventually but for now id rather keep them to myself"

"sure, sure, no hurry"

"hey! TheDutchessOfEarl!" said someone who had just approached.

"yes?" said TheDutchess, sitting in her place in the theatre room, next to her friend WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit.

"i just wanted to say that i loved your before and after pic, and that its incredible to find out that you were always such a fan of Maxplosive!"

"aw thank you" she took out of her pocket a Gif that showed Tom Hiddelston smiling all bashful and showed it to the blogger to emphasize.

she had been getting lots of asks like these for the past week.

"looks like you're more popular than ever" said the cupcake next to her.

"yhea, looks like, i wonder how long is it going to last?"

"what?"

before she could answer the lights in the room started to lower and the place got quieter with the exception of popcorn bags being ruffled and isolated squees of emotion. The movie was about to begin. TheDutchessOfEarl sat in her chair, looking at the screen with an expression of childish wonder on her face.

And on her lap, a doll sat, with the exact same expression embroidered on her face

 


	6. Suffering Justified Warfare pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this section will contain harsh language, abuse, harrasement, panic attacks and discussion about different ideologies. read at your own discression

_"some times in the morning i am petrified and cant move_

_awake but cannot open my eyes_

_and the weight is crushing down on my lungs. i know i cant breathe_

_and hope someone will save me this time"_

_Rilo Kiley-Better son or daughter_

 

 

**FUCK YOU YOU FAT STUPID BITCH WHY DONT YOU LEARN TO FUCKING DRAW**

charming.

**KILL YORSELF**

Eloquent.

**SUCK MY DICK THATS ALL YOUR GOOD FOR NOBODY LIKES THE SHIT THAT YOU CALL DRAWINGS**

Blatantly false.

It was no question that she was not going to dignify those anonymous letters with a public answer, or any other kind of answer at all. The trash can, that's where they were going, no doubt. In fact the only thing that was indeterminate in any way was whether she was going to disable her mail slot so people couldn't send any more anonymous messages. The reason this was up in the air was that if she did that then she would have to face those people face to face, and that was a Russian roulette of who had the more guts to expose themselves to the public.

**I LOVE YOUR DRAWINGS OK? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND NEVER STOP**

Aw, that was more sweet. Of course it was, like, the hundredth message of that nature she received and so its impact may have been a little diminished. But still, that was definitely getting a public response.

She walked out of her space, right into her dashboard where her followers were walking around, admiring her works and thoughts. She stoop to her little podium and grabbed the worn microphone in front of her, and thusly she started to read.

"I LOVE YOUR DRAWINGS OK? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND NEVER STOP" her imitation of the tone the letter conveyed was pitch perfect and got the attention of the people around her, she proceeded "well thank you so much dear, i wont ;)"

people cheered, some even ran to their dashboards to repeat it as well. Spirits were high. Life was good.

Ok, that was enough fun for today, time to get some rest on YouTube.

TheDutchessOfEarl walked out of Tumblr, a quick walk but also long way. The place in general was an infinite series of rooms where the limits were lost beyond the horizon. The sun didn't exist there, only the neon lights of the screens, spread all across the roof, taking the place of what should be the lightbulbs, alternatively broadcasting adds and videos of hat was going on in other places of the universe that was the internet.

As soon as she walked out of the building she found herself in the browser streets, a couple of years ago Google took over control of the roads but Bing and yahoo had alternate alleys, they wouldn't take you were you wanted to go nearly fast enough but if you were feeling a bit rebellious, or the browser suffered a malfunction that blocked the street, they were there as an alternate option to get around.

"YouTube"

The streets inmediately took her at the speed of information to where she wanted to go. The building, that showed up in front of her so fast it seemed like it was the construction the one that was moving not her, was red. And big. And growing at every second in every direction. The increase was slow and undetectable but massive non the less, for a place that big to grow a millimiter in every direction meant an increase of mass around the 400 tons of hours, i mean, mass.

She went inside where noise was lord and master, next to light. A thousand times a thousand screens showing faces, places and races. Games, Shames and frames. Songs, dongs and bongs. Everything you wanted, anything that could be achieved audiovisually, all the myriad ways that eyes and ears could be stimulated. Whatever your mind could concieve, you got it. There it was, just at the reach of your fingertips.

As to what was right in front of her, it was a simple stand with a few suggestions and directions where to find them. Between those suggestions it was the new music video by Joey Flynn vs the world, "Player one". Interesting.

She wasn't an enthusiast of the band comprised by the twin brother and sister Joey Gallagan and Flynn Gallagan, their style was too "white rappers playing video games" for her tastes, but their music videos tended to be mesmerizing. It was astounding that they had started on a simple You Tube channel and now they were  _out there_ , winning awards and signing  contracts and shit. And as their fame increased so did the production values. There was the rumor that they had started in the music bussines as a roundabout way to fulfill their directorial dreams.

Time to listen to their latest creation.

 

 

_beat'em and eat'em and spit'em and win'em_

_fight'em and collect'em and challenge'em and deflect'em_

_i can do all that when im in front of the screen_

_with the controls in my hand im the master of my team_

 

_you can say all that_

_when i play my games_

_cause when im player one_

_i am the man._

the video consisted of a complicated stop motion sequence where a bunch of toys of many different videogame characters went around a room trying to reach the computer whilst the kid in the bed (Joey) slept. Once they reached the computer they started to play their respective games and had a great time.

Fun stuff.

Then, at that moment TheDutchessOfEarl made one of the greatest mistakes of her life. She went to the comment section.

It was a room right next to the giant screen where the video was broadcasting and inside it were people, arguing in nasty ways. There was a small sign with two lights on the roof, one green and one red, and next to the lights there were numbers. The red numbers were way higher than the green ones. 

"what a dumb video" the red light flickered.

"this is disgusting i cant believe Joey Flynn would write something like this" another red light.

"yhea screw girl gamers this song rocks!!!!"

"shut up you have no idea what you are talking about"

"please lets not bring politics into this"

It was hard to tell if they were screaming at each other or just screaming  in the air. But regardless, there were some interesting news, apparently there was some controversy about the message of the video. Well, she better check that out, she didn't want to miss on the drama.

***

**ON REPRESENTATION IN THE GAMING COMMUNITY**

**i am a gamer. i was not always comfortable telling people about this**

**because of my gender. i usually tried to deny my nature, afraid that**

**i would be mocked or worse. but then i started listening to Joey Flynn**

**and my life changed.**

**Joey Flynn taught me that i could be a girl and like games. they taught**

**me that i belong, that this hobby is for everyone. it made me feel proud**

**of who i was.**

**that's why the latest song by them makes me so sad.**

**leaving besides the fact that Flynn is nowhere to be seen on the video.**

**or that none of the characters in the video are female.**

**the lyrics are just so alienating for anyone who isn't a boy.**

**for once Joey Flynn made me feel like i didn't belong.**

**and that just makes me sad.**

 

That and many other similar speeches were being given all across Tumblr. The mouths were a-buzzing and the ears ringing. The hecticness and the controversy were spreading everywhere and by god she wanted to be a part of it. Everyone had something to say about it and TheDutchess couldnt be no exception, she had to be current with the topics the cool kids were talking about, she had to let everyone else know she indeed had an opinion, one that was worth be listened to. And so, she decided to respond to that little speech, she reblogged as follows.

 

**i don' t think the song "Player One" is particularly excluding.**

**it could be that "i am the man" is simply a generic expression**

**for someone who feels empowered. as "the man" is usually regarded**

**as a gender neutral name for someone who is in control.**

**but i guess its just my opinion.**

 

There, that should be good enough. She walked though her dashboard, back into her safe space. That quick answer was good for now but later she would probably write a longer analysis of the whole situation. It was a good time to start getting involved in the video game community, Lets Players were more popular than ever and she had been seriously considering becoming one. Once she had gahered a big enough following on both Tumblr and You Tube she would finally be able to start her real passion proyect. A webcomic, funded by patreon. There was a story inside of her that was waiting to be told but as things stood right now, she just didn't have the resources to reliably do a weekly webcomic, she needed money, for that she needed followers and for that she needed to get heard, she had to make waves. She played the long game and this was her first step.

And who would have guessed, as soon as she entered her space hundreds of  asks started to pour in.

She couldn't wait to engage in discussion with these people, the first one came from Sils_Maria_is_my_Mascot.

 


	7. Suffering Justified Warfare pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this section will contain harsh language, abuse, harrasement, panic attacks and discussion about different ideologies. read at your own discression

 

The search through the archives was proving to be fruitless. Files upon files of nothing but redundant trash, old articles of past news, referencing each other as sources in a recursive incestuous cycle of self affirmation. Internet journalism was such a joke.

Most of the news she looked for were claiming that the band Joey Flynn was "over", all eerily coming out the exact same day, one day after they posted their infamous music video. TheDutchessOfEarl couldn't find a single dissenting voice that agreed with her opinion that the video was not that big a deal, a position she didn't even felt all that strongly about, it was simply the position she decided to take when she first dipped her toes in the conversation just for the sake of argument. She choose an unpopular opinion just to stand out. And so it did, in the worst way imaginable. Now she had become a persona non grata in all her circles, but there was no way she was gong to back down now, or even apologize. To do so would be to admit that all the horrible things they said about her were true, which they weren't, regardless if she was right or wrong about this particular topic, and she couldn't have that if her future plans were to have any amount of success.

Her only option was to demonstrate that she had been right all along, which shouldn't be that hard, she was from the old school of thought that if you were clever enough and talked for long enough you could demonstrate any position to be at least a reasonable one. She was smart, all she needed was evidence and someone with a little clout to agree with her. The problem was that both those things were turning out to be hard to come by, specially because her usual places for compiling internet discourse were, for once, against her position. Not that she was usually backed by them, it was just that she didn't tend to be involved in those arguments at all. TheDutchess was a complete rookie in this situation.

She finally gave up on searching for vindication on the old filers and walked out the archive section of Huffington post. As she passed by the main hall where dozens of journalists and bloggers were walking around eager to share their latest opinions, editorials, thoughts and yes, even some news, a guy dressed in the RSS uniform came bursting through the door with a link in his hand.

"Joey Flynn are doing an AMA on Reddit!" screamed the newcomer. He put the link on the floor, a door trough which you could inmideatly cross to its destination, in this case a Hall inside of reddit where the singers Joey and Flynn were taking questions from a giant crowd of people. Much like in YouTube, there were red and green lights all around, a pair for every person in the audience. And for every question someone said the people all around him could give him a thumbs up or down making that person's chair rise a bit more in the air and his voice to grow louder.

At the moment Joey was in the middle of answering a question from the table at the front.

"...i'm trying to say in the end is that we just love making music for people, all people, to enjoy and i hope you can all be patient with us as we learn how to be better and give you a better product next time"

A man wearing an ill fitting suit and a top hat covered in all kinds of badges stood and asked.

"what does Flynn have to say about the claims of sexism in the latest video, was it her choice to not appear in it?"

green lights and upward thumbs flashed all around making the guy rise a good ten feet above everybody else.

The woman in the table grabbed a microphone.

"we simply choose for one person to be in the bedroom sleeping, it could have been me as much as it was Joey, we weren't really thinking about that, we were more focused on making the stop motion sequence, to whom the bed belonged was the last thing in our minds"

"well if so" said some other dude in a deadpool cosplay "why is there no female characters among the stop motion toys? was that intentional?"

"we choose the characters based on how fun their powers were, that's why we went with guys like bomberman, sonic, etc, we were looking for something visually striking to challenge ourselves to try and pull something interesting in stop motion"

"but what about Samus or Chell? are their powers not interesting?"

"chell was considered but we wanted retro characters, Samus didn't made it because we already had too many characters to work with, if we've had a bigger budget and more time she might have made the cut"

"would you say is the inherently misogynistic lack of female characters in retro gaming to blame for the fact that you didn't have a lot of options to choose from?"

"ok, look" said Flynn, openly annoyed for the first time in the AMA "when me and my brother decided to do this video we didn't have any political agendas in mind, we just wanted to make a cute fun video, now i want to make something clear, i'm not a feminist and i don't particularly have any interest on the movement, but i thought the whole point of the it was to allow women to be free to take whatever choices they wanted without society breathing down their necks telling them what they are allowed to do, i just wanted to make something fun and if i'm ok  with it i don't see why anyone else shouldn't be, is just a music video"

The questions continued but TheDutchess left, she had all she needed.

She walked back to Tumblr, in her hand she carried a little notepad wherein she had written Flynn's little speech. That ought to be enough to convince everyone that she was not, as everyone else had put it, an "indoctrinated victim with internalized patriarchal ideologies", whatever those words meant. While she went about her business across her dashboard she saw  WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommitt  on the distance doing very much the same. She waved and called for her friend, the human cupcake. The alluded turned her entire body but as soon as she saw TheDutchess she turned back and started walking away as she covered her face. People said a lot of bad thing to her in the last days but this was the first time she felt a real sting of despair setting in. She had to make this right as quick as possible.

She went to her safe space, wherein the front door had been covered in graffiti and rotten tomatoes. Once inside she started to compose her disclaimer for her opinions to her followers.

***

 

 She sighed satisfied, she had redacted a very extensive analysis  of her own declarations and picked apart not only the actual retorts that she had received for her first statement but also all future hypothetical ones that this current one could get. She had used links, quotes, rhetorical tools and much more. In there were exposed not one but multiple reasons as to why she was right and everyone else was wrong. And having multiple arguments was sure to make them stronger rather than dilute them and make her look unsure in any individual one. Yes.She sent it to her dashboard for everyone to see. Apologies were sure to not make themselves wait.

Someone knocked at her door.

"hello, who is it?" TheDutchess asked.

"a friend, is about you latest post"

Ah, here it was, the take backs and excuses. She opened the door.

Sils_Maria_is_my_Mascot was on the entrance with a grim look on her eyes.

"did you know that shakespeare said that if you know the name of a thing you have control over the thing?"

"actually" TheDutchessOfEarl said "i read about it, turns out it wasnt shakespeare who said it but Ursula k le guin"

"whatever, shut up, i have your name Susana Ortiz"

the girl pushed with her clawed hand on to whom she once called her friend and a powerful light started to burst from TheDutchess chest.

"w-what?"

"and i also have your Facebook page, with your e-mail, your phone number and your address"

she retracted her hand, carrying within it a small notebook, spiral bound, in the shape of an anatomically correct heart.

"and now so does everyone else" Sils_Maria threw the notebook to the dashboard for all the passersby to look at "i just DOXXED you, so you learn not to talk shit, we don't accept abusers and apologists in or community, we are Tumblr and well destroy you with our love"

"what the fuck!?"

"check your privilege"

 

 


	8. Suffering Justified Warfare pt.3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this section will contain harsh language, abuse, harrasement, panic attacks and discussion about different ideologies. read at your own discression

The seal had been breached, the sanctasanctorum spoiled, the utmost line crossed and now nothing remained but the ashes of...you know what? no, this was bullshit and she was not on the mood for fucking poetic thoughts. She felt violated, what the fuck was everyone's problem? they just had to do it, right? the had to go  **outside** , to bring the REAL WORLD into the fray with its pesky real life consequences. Fuck them and their principles and the high fucking ass piece of shit horse they rode on.

Now everywhere she walked she had to carry that weight, the looks of scorn, and the tethers. Hooks, clawing all across her clothes, stretching into the hands of other bloggers, ropes made out her personal information, of who she was below her present body, her avatar. And the people around her could pull from her at any moment, just to remind her that she fucked up, she stepped out line, she had to learn not to abuse free speech because there were sensible ears all around her who had gone through too much suffering and too much pain to have to listen to her bigoted opinions on top of that.

"leave me alone" she would mutter to nobody in particular, tired of having to swat the vultures away. She needed a friend.

Knock knock.

"who is it?" said a small voice from the inside of the safe space TheDuthcess just walked up to.

"is me"

"oh"

the door opened barely a few inches.

"i-i don't think is a good idea for me to talk to you like this" said the cupcake through the crack.

"please i just need someone who doesn't hate me to talk to"

"i-i-i know i'm s...sorry but...if, if i get involved with you i may get into a lot of trouble"

"you cant do this to me, we're friends!"

"sorry, i'm so so sorry but they wont stop until you apologize, i've been where you are, remember? they want you to admit you were wrong, to comply, you have to do that and then move on and hope they find a new target, i'm telling you this to help you, please, i'm sorry, sorry" and just like that she closed the door.

TheDutchess kept walking. Out of Tumblr.

Once out of that site she shed her clothes, getting rid of the hooks, and kept walking aimlessly. She no longer was TheDutchess, she was just another anonymous user. 

She knew what she had to do, she would have to abandon her blog, move to a new one and let the old one with a giant sign wherein she apologized for what she said, a giant reminder for all other bloggers as to what happened to those who disagreed with those who were unquestionably right. All her work and ambitions of getting a readership for her webcomic gone. Even with a new identity she would still carry that blight, the internet had memory, there was a reason why in many circles BUckley was still a punchline. If she tried to dig herself out she was just going to end deeper still and remembered as the misogynistic blogger who defended Joey Flynn.

But how was Joey Flynn handling it all? she was curious now.

She went to google, the wide streets where howling with the wind. She said in a loud and clear voice.

"Joey Flynn, scandal, player one"

The streets took her to a building with multiple doors, little signs where pasted in front of them, each with a quick description of what was behind them.

**"Joey Flynn faces scandal for latest statements in..."**

**"IS IT FEMINIST? Joey Flynn: 15% "**

**"On gaming culture and its pernicious..."**

**"Flynn, a recollection on internet entitlement..."**

The last door called her attention and she went  through it. 

What she found was a blog, unlike the ones she was used to. There was a more worn out air to it and the atmosphere was dank. She looked at a wall and saw a small sign that said "powered by blogger". At the other side of the room was a 40 year old man, sitting on a desk, typing furiously in a typewriter, illuminated by a library lamp. The table was littered with recent articles. As she stepped closer to the man a counter in big, red,digital numbers went up with a ding. The writer lifted his face from the paper.

"a new visitor?"

"uhm...hi?"

"oh man..." He stood up from his chair and tipped his hat "ma'am, the name is Brandom, this is my blog, The Truth Connoisseur,  what can i do for you?"

"i was looking for a recent article you wrote about Joey Flynn?"

"oh, yes, sure" he started to go through the files that were spread all across the table "shameful what happened to them, this new wave of PC bitches is hampering creativity and expression at any chance they have, i'm scared what is going to be of the internet in the next years if they are not taken down a peg, here it is"

He extended a small folder.

"here you have it, a timeline of the events as the transpired, no embellishment or fakery in them and barely 17.859% of bias" he winked at that last part. "you can sit there and read at your leisure" he pointed at a patched sofa in red leather with a small ash tray on the armrest.

She went there and sat. What she read was the following.

"ok, so here i compiled a timeline of the events that transpired after the video was uploaded, ill be updating the list as new events unfold.

*Joey Flynn Uploads the video 5/23

*the blogger ALEtheWENCHES makes a post commenting on the supposedly "sexist" nature of the video 5/23

*drama on tumblr immediately starts to spread out link, link, link 5/24

*Flynn makes the "im not a feminist" comment on a reddit AMA 5/26

*the site "IS IT FEMINIST?" gives the band a score of 17%  5/27

*on twitter Joey starts being harassed by people demanding she retracts what she said link, link, link, link 5/27

*Joey goes on an interview in Biting the shots podcast 5/29

*Joey Flynn's patreon starts to descend on income, their kickstarter project starts to loose pledges   5/30

* 4chan donates money to the kickstarter, the project is fully funded 6/2

**edit: some of the twitters were deleted but they were saved, i changed the links to the archived tweets**

**edit2: the feminist score went down to 15% 6/1**

**edit3: the kickstarter project for making a youtube series where they teach people how to compose and edit music has been fully funded! 6/1** "

 

"i have a question" she said from the sofa.

"yes?"

"here it says that 4chan funded Joey Flynn's project? but i mean how? i thought they hated everything, they're not the type of people who just go and help someone"

"well, you'd be surprised, but apparently they took offense to the attacks that Joey Flynn got in the last days and decided to step in, of course is mostly a chance to shit on Tumblr while looking like the good guys but personally i don't feel the intention is what matters so much as the results"

"i see, so they actually think Joey Flynn was right?"

"basically, yeah"

The girl looked at the files once again. 

"can i take a copy of this?"

"sure, that's why i gave it to you, spread the truth!"

she nodded in his general direction and left the blog.

She spent the rest of the day following every link, checking the claims in the timeline on her own. Everywhere she went she just found relentless attacks towards the singers, some of them weren't even directed at their opinions but at their appearance, their intellect and their sexual practices. There were some people who were starting a rumor about Joey being a pedophile and Flynn being a giant racist in college. They were being dragged through all kinds of mud and not only by random users but by respected news sites as well. When she compared it to what she herself had experienced recently she felt minuscule. She had been DOXXED that was true, but at least she could step out of her blog and get a respite from it all. The singers were public figures, they were celebrities, they had no such option to fade back into obscurity.

Finally she couldn't take it any more. She was unwilling to go back to her own blog, she knew what awaited there, and to go to any other part of the internet implied encountering more Joey Flynn bashing which she no longer had the stomach to hear. She looked down on the papers once again.

It seemed there was one place to go where she wouldn't have to bear neither the weight of having a name nor the strain of hearing endless opinions that indirectly painted her as a monster. Walking back once again to the streets of google she just said one word.

"4chan" 

 


	9. Suffering Justified Warfare pt.4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this section will contain harsh language, abuse, harrasement, panic attacks and discussion about different ideologies. read at your own discression

That was it?

she had certainly expected something more. Maybe dark alleys, murky waters, fog on the streets and shady figures walking around, wrapped in suspiciously tight overcoats. What she had in front of her instead was a rather bland office building painted in a washed out salmon with a single clover painted on the entrance doors. The only thing that was truly unnerving about the place was that unlike all other places that she had frequented though the years, this was completely static. It didn't grew at a slow creeping pace as more content was added, or maybe it did, if she played close attention maybe she could glimpse a tiny increase that was quickly reverted. The insides were not all that remarkable either. An anodyne waiting room with a rule book in a table in a rug, and the rug read "don't forget, you're here forever". behind the table was an elevator.

she walked to it and pushed the button besides it. When the doors opened she could see inside a man in a black suit with a red tie and faceless green head.

"where do you want to go?"

she saw the buttons, instead of floor numbers there were labels with different topics such as "papercraft & origami" or "alternative hentai"

"uh, i dunno, what is the most popular board"

"oh a new comer uh?" where did that voice came from?, he had no mouth. "then /b/ it is"

The man pressed the corresponding button and turned to face her.

"first, the rules 'The content of this website is for mature audiences only and may not be suitable for minors. If you are a minor or it is illegal for you to access mature images and language, do not proceed.'"

"this place has rules?"

"you're really cute, second 'This website is presented to you AS IS, with no warranty, express or implied. By clicking "I Agree," you agree not to hold 4chan responsible for any damages from your use of the website, and you understand that the content posted is not owned or generated by 4chan, but rather by 4chan's users.'"

"what's the difference?"

"a substantial one, the difference between the owner of this place going to jail and the person who is actually responsible for the crime going to jail, third: As a condition of using this website, you agree to comply with the "[Rules](https://www.4chan.org/rules)" of 4chan, which are also linked on the home page. Please read the Rules carefully, because they are important.'"

"i thought you were allowed to do anything you wanted here"

"no, that's stupid, if you want to break the law go to the deep web, here if you do so much as posting CP, we'll tell the FBI and the party van will come and get you"

"whats a party van?"

The man reclined getting barely a few inches from her face.

"lurk more, here is you card, i would recommend you not write anything there"

He put a greeting card on her chest that said "HI, my name is:_________". As soon as that happened she felt a crawling sensation all around her, the color in her skin, the factions on her face, her clothes, they all started to wash away leaving nothing but white canvas, she was a mannequin, without gender, without race, without age, without identity. She looked in the mirrors in the walls and saw that the only features left were the words ANON written on the empty face.

"what the hell?" even the voice was featureless, no pitch, no tone, just words. The elevator came to its destination.

"good luck" the doors opened.

 In front of Anon there was a big hall, not unendingly big, just big.The walls were covered in humidity spots and there were round tables all across, a good couple dozen, and in everyone people were arguing, loudly, one could almost say sloppily. Anon came closer to a random table to hear what they were talking about. She was regaled with an HD image of a distended anus, held open by a pair of forceps that were pulling out what seemed to be a cactus. One of the Anons sitting there commented "das pretty hot mane"

Anon recoiled from that, cringing. That was NOT something she needed to see. Walking backwards she accidentally bumped into another table where people where absorbed into a a heated discussion about what kinds of food made bukkake taste good. Someone was in the middle of a detailed account of the time he spent an entire week eating nothing but pineapples and how he ended in the hospital, malnourished.

"but the cum? how did it taste?" insisted someone else.

"it tasted better than the food in the hospital, i even used it as seasoning, the dude in the bed next to me asked me what it was and i just said it was homemade sauce, i shared some and he said it reminded him of cantaloupe"

Anon had to resist the impulse to gag. When she turned around she saw a table where people seemed to be laughing, sharing pictures, giving high fives and having an all around good time. In the hopes of having something to take her mind off the things she just witnessed she went there. On the table was a sign that read "You laugh, you loose, lets see how long you can make it without cracking" a conversation where people shared jokes, ok that seemed nice. This was the first two things she saw.

Ok, that was more than enough, she wanted to leave.

 Anon tried to walk back to the elevator and as she did so she started to notice more things about the place, for example that what she had taken for humidity spots were actually shit, actual feces, scrubbed against the walls. Or the fact that the floor was far more stickier than it could possibly be by just simple trash. Or the fact that the more she stayed there the the more the screams fused into a single continuous note that was starting to get ingrained in her ears to never leave.

Before she could exit a disgustingly proportioned bear stepped on her way and put a hand on her shoulder.

"how old are you?" asked the creature.

At that moment she was feeling capital U Uncomfortable, she could deal (to an extent, just long enough for her to decide to remove herself from their proximity) with people being creeps on their own but this thing was being a creep on to her. It was dawning on her that she had made a terrible mistake coming here.

"leave her alone you pedo fuck!" screamed a small anime girl with green hair tied in four buns, a couple steps besides them. Next to her was another young girl carring a gigantic hammer with the letters "B&" written on them. The bear looked at them with a dead stare and made haste, leaving the scene. Anon smashed the button calling the elevator, the anime girl came closer.

"sorry for that, usually we manage to keep him in check" the other girl was already gone, smashing some other guy a couple of tables away with her hammer.

"i see" said Anon, tense, waiting for the elevator that was taking its sweet time to arrive.

"what are you doing here? it doesn't look like you are into this shit" said the girl, waving her hand at the entire place.

"i'm not, i made a mistake, i want to leave, right now"

"oh, you're a newfag, i see"

"what did you just called me?" a kid that age shouldn't be using that kind of language.

"it means you are new, you are not familiar with this place" said the girl, somehow not sounding condescending but honestly helpful.

"i don't want to be familiar with this place i want to leave and never return" Said Anon, eyes looking forward, praying for the doors to open soon.

"hey don't judge us to harsh, this is only /b/, all the porn and gore is just a front that we put to scare away normies, we don't want any random idiot just fresh out of facebook thinking that hell get to be a part of the most epic MEMES and rage comics to come here and bring down the quality of the place" said the girl as a loud prolonged fart silenced all other conversations going on in the background for a good five minutes "you'll hardly see any of this shit in the other boards"

The doors finally opened. Free at last. She entered the elevator and pushed the button to the ground floor, the doors started to close.

"by the way, i have no idea who you are, i wont be able to recognize you when you come back"

"i'm never coming back"

The small anime child laughed, closing her eyes.

"you're here forever"

The elevator started to go down.

***

she tried to be discrete but as soon as TheDutchessOfEarl walked back into Tumblr she was immediately recognized.

The pulling of the hooks resumed, the boos and general derision , the ultimatums that explained that it was NEVER OK to try to excuse someone for dissing feminism which already had to face a lot of hardships from society to have to deal with traitors in Tumblr itself, and above all that she HAD to apologize, not to them, her rightful chastisers, but to all the raped girls, all the battered housewives, all the oppressed women, all the poor people who woke up every morning to stand up against the patriarchy, all the victims of society whose fight was invalidated by her own careless words. She had to apologize.

 She made her way to her tomato buried blog and pushed her door that was wedged with hate mail. She went down to the basement, where the control panel of the place was. Once there she started doing something that she had planned for a far more celebratory occasion. She started to create a new blog.

Buttons were pushed, levers went down and in the outside, next to the "safe" space a new house started to grow much in the same fashion of a bouncy castle being inflated. She made some quick aesthetic adjustments, later she would bother in painting the walls and getting a more elaborate theme, for now she just wanted to get over with this as soon as possible.

Once the new blog was finished she started to dismantle the old one. Took down the pictures she had framed in the wall, got rid of the archives she had in the back room and started to move the furniture out. once the place was completly featureless and empty, she did one last thing. Closed the door and put up a sign there.

 

 

 

 


	10. Suffering Justified Warfare pt.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this section will contain harsh language, abuse, harrasement, panic attacks and discussion about different ideologies. read at your own discression

**[extract from the Biting The Shots podcast from may 29]**

**"so i'm glad you're here with us today Joey, glad you could come"**

**"is nice to be here, thanks for inviting me"**

**"yes lets all thank each other, that is the nice thing to do, now a hug *laughs* ok now a kiss *more laughs* but anyway, how you been doing these days?"  
**

**"well you know, cant complain too much, ok maybe a little, but overall i've been doing fine, you know?, enjoying life"**

**"cool, cool, you've been going to the movies and stuff?"**

**"eh, not really, didn't had the chance lately, been busy with my projects,i have a lot of stuff to catch on with, the last thing i saw was Maxplosive 2"**

**"oh, and what did you thought of it?"**

**"its fine, i guess, i dunno, never watched the first one"**

**"i know what you mean, when the first one came i was too old for that, or, i mean, i just wasn't the main demographic"**

**"right, right,so yeah"**

**"yeah, and these projects you say you've been busy with, anything you can talk about?"**

**"well mainly it was trying to find a way to get our videos more mainstream distribution, been talking with some companies, going to a lot of meetings, the whole handshaking game"**

**"now when you say 'our' you mean..."**

**"me and my sister, yeah"**

**"right, too bad she couldn't come here today"**

**"well, you know, she...she decided to stay out of the public eye for a while, we've been dealing with a lot of internet nastiness"**

**"she more than you?"**

**"seems like it, at first the...what would you call it? aggression? it was directed to the band as a whole but after Flynn said a couple of things that people took issue with...well, it has been more focused on her, so..."**

**"what would you say is the reason of so much hostility online, if you want to talk about it, of course"**

**"mhmmm... i dunno, people with a chip on their shoulder? i usually try to stay away from all that, Flynn on the other side, she tends to be the more uh...she is the more likely of us both to respond to an argument, she's always been more assertive than i am"**

**"i see, maybe we should clarify for the listeners who don't know what were talking about, there were a lot of complaints from the public about your music video 'player one', later Flynn responded that she was not a feminist and that just caused much more controversy, now, what did she really meant by this?, because a lot of people immediately took it as she saying that she's against feminism, could you, uh, set the record straight?"**

**"yes, well, first of all i know Flynn and i know that she would never be 'against' feminism, she is all for people standing up for themselves, the thing is that, what does it even mean to be a feminist? just someone who agrees with its ideals? or someone who actively fights for them? and what ideals then? feminism stood for a lot of different goals, some of them even contradictory, as with any other movement there are a lot of factions and sub factions, which one of them is the 'real' feminism?"**

**"i think we can all agree that feminism is fighting for the equality between man and women"**

**"i think is more complicated than that, Mark, sure on paper it sounds simple enough but when you start unpacking what it takes to bring it to practice it suddenly becomes much more nuanced, but ok, let us both agree on the general notion that there is a big cultural system that was put in place through biologic happenstance and enforced by religious dogma a long time ago, lets call that system 'the patriarchy', as all good systems it is self sustaining and its so old that is embedded in our collective unconscious"**

**"yes, that seems good enough a working definition"**

**"i mean, once again, there are factions that may not think is the real one or that is not 100% accurate, and which one is right? but anyway, as i was saying, this system puts expectations and demands on the people according to their biological sexes and these demands are unfair and constricting to the dignity and happiness of the people"**

**"once again, i agree"**

**"ok, now how we go about fixing it? and what is more important, is it obligatory for people, should we demand everyone, to fight to fix it?"**

**"well why wouldn't you want to fix it? seems like a really bad thing"**

**"and here comes my point, is someone who chooses not to fight that fight a bad person?"**

**"maybe we could consider them an irresponsible one, or at the very least a selfish one"**

**"we could say that of every person who chooses not to donate to charity, or or go help with any other cause, Flynn believes that it shouldn't be an obligation to go save the world, it has to be a choice and that implies that some people will choose not to"**

**"look Joey, i'm loving this talk but i think we should take it back a little, i think the real question here is, is Flynn against feminism?"**

**"not at all, but let me just add here, even if she was, the kind of harassment that she and me received online is not warranted, it never is"**

**"no,of course, of course, i think that should be enough for our listeners, guys, internet harassment is not ok, i know a lot of us like retribution but that is not the way to go about it, anyway, once again thanks so much to be here with us Joey, is always a pleasure to talk to you, and before we go, any announcements you would like to do? anything you want to plug?"**

**"yes, uh, the band Joey Flynn is doing a Kickstarter campaign, we want to make a series of videos where we teach about music composition, there is a lot of science that goes behind music and here we teach about chords, scales, all that good stuff, but we don't want to just do another boring tutorial for youtube, we want to put our own spin by making dynamic and entertaining videos, this is not just going to be someone sitting on their room in front of a camera, we want to have production and that takes money, so yeah, go and please contribute, we have some amazing stretch goals, some good rewards"**

**"yes, yes, we put the link in the description, go check it out, welp, that's all for today people, thanks for listening, remember that next week were going to be talking with Max Landis about his new short "Harry Potter's boulevard", and as always, Markie out"**

***

 

Someone was going to wake up that day. They would eat some breakfast, check their mail, enjoy their second breakfast, see some funny gifs, reblog some dank memes, all from the comfort of their bed. Later they would get out of bed, put on some clothes, write some responses to the messages that they got and go out to take a walk through Tumblr. As he or she or xe or they or whatever made his/her/xir/their/etc way through the multiple blogs and the people who managed them, that person would notice, maybe through the corner of their eye, that AnEarlyDutch_45 started following them.

It had been hard for her to choose a new name, she was really attached to the old one. Harder still had been choosing new blogs to follow, her trust in humanity had been greatly diminished in the last days and so to put her dashboard in the hands of strangers, or even worse, people she knew too well, was daunting. What if that pretty artblog with Adventure Time fanart suddenly decided to give a rant about how the cookie princess episode was transmysoginist? what if she saw one of her favorite bloggers commenting with a flower on their ear that Ninja  Sex Party was objectifying? what if someone said something she didn't agree with? would she be able to ignore it and just walk away as people around her insulted and defamed everything she loved?

She was musing these thoughts in the depths of her new blog, which was so sadly emptier than her old one, barely a couple of old drawings that she halfheartedly put up, when someone knocked on her door. It was WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit, the cupcake girl.

"WWilliam_WWallace? what are you doing here?"

"h-hi, i-i-i wanted to talk to y-you, now that, you know, you are no longer being, uhm, harrased?"

So now she would talk to her, when it was no longer a risk for her.

"how did you find me?"

"i recognized one of your old drawings"

"what do you want to talk about?"

"uhm...can i come in?"

AnEarlyDutch_45 stepped aside, letting the girl enter the space. She kept her hand on the door, not closing it.

"what is it?"

"uh, w-well i dunno, i just wanted to talk, how have you been?"

"bad, as a matter of fact, petty bad, these last few day sucked"

"i'm so sorry, and i'm sorry i wasn't there for you i just...i couldn't deal with that, just thinking about what you must have gone through made my hands shake..."

"well i didn't 'just think about it', i had to experience it first hand so...yeah"

"ummmm, o-ok you are being a little...a little too aggressive with me, i just c-couldn't go through that, i told you how much it affected me back in deviant art, i already a-a-pologized"

"whatever, apology accepted"

There was an awkward silence between the two of them.

"so what have you been doing?" asked AnEarlyDutch_45

"i have been drawing, is not very good but i'm really proud with the results, i...uh...i was wondering if you could give me your opinion on it...?"

The cupcake produced a few pictures and showed them to the other girl who gave them a momentary look.

"i don't like them"

"w-what?"

"i don't like them, they're not very well drawn, you have problems with anatomy, specially with foreshortening, and your shading is too flat, i can tell you've been using the color black in multiplying for the shadows, there is not any specular light"

"that...that is just your subjective opinion, i...this is my style and i feel comfortable with it..."

"this is not 'your' style, this is obviously Phobs's style, poorly copied, like, you took his tricks but is clear you don't understand why he does the things that he does, you should practice with real life anatomy not copy someone's drawings, maybe use a live model, get the basics and then start experimenting"

She gave the drawing back, WWilliam_WWallace_and_Grommit received it with a disheartened look on her face.

"way to shit all over me" she mumbled.

"what do you want from me?, i'm being honest" 

"what do i want from you?" the girl said raising her eyes, for once there seemed to be determination on them "i want some support, maybe? like, i put myself here, all bared, i risk myself showing you a part of me, dropping my defenses? and get all these attacks?"

"risk yourself? oh i'm sorry, who was harassed and DOXXED for daring to have a different opinion than everyone else? you are the one who's getting attacked? do you even know what being attacked is?"

"hey fuck you" the dough was getting more and more red "don't you dare play the victim card, you're not a victim for defending Joey Flynn and neither is she, i mean, sure, it sucks that she has been getting threats and stuff, but she should watch out what she says, there are things that you just don't say online, there are people that is never ok to offend and maybe if you and her stopped being such a suburban middle class white girl you'd understand it"

And just like that the camel's back was obliterated to kingdom come.

"you. Cunt."

William_WWallace started walking backwards, aghast, her face going from red to green to white.

"w-w-w-w-what did you just said?" 

"you fucking shitty ass cunt nigger faggot, fuck you and your kike retarded beaner ass, you fucking aspie, you obese, fat piece of shit skank ass whore" for the first time she realized how truly pissed she had been the last couple of days. As the words came pouring out of her mouth she grabbed her face and teared away at the skin, showing the sickening white void that was beneath with just one word written there. "get the fuck out here you goddamned bitch pussy fag, you disgusting cumslut, you and your fucking drawing make want to barf and you know what? whatever came out would be more deserving to exist, would have more worth in this world than you useless fat ass" as she said all this she kept walking forward pushing the other girl back. Every step made another of her clothes fall to the ground, revealing a featureless mannequin with the word ANON written on its face.

"stop it" said the girl with tears streaming down her face "your'e triggering me!"

"I DONT GIVE A FUCK, FUCK OFF!"

the girl finally went away, repressing her sobs, turning them into sloppy stammering instead.

 Anon went back inside, she had had more than enough of that place and the hypocrites that polluted it, she was done, she was leaving. She no longer cared what everyone else though of her, their opinions had long ago proven to be worthless. She was going away to the one place where she could do and say whatever she wanted without having to fear the consequences, without having to look out for other peoples toes and eggshells.

She was going to be away.

She was going to be free.


End file.
